Warrior Blog | Brittany

"When you go through deep waters I will be with you"

                                                             Isaiah 43:2 

For as long as I can remember I have struggled with depression and anxiety. Being a child I never really dealt with the mental, physical and sexual abuse that I went through. Little did I know that in the years to come this would cause me to have a eating disorder, and be ashamed of what I had went through. No one knew what I went through and I honestly wanted to keep it that way because of how ashamed I was. Through out the years I let depression and anxiety control and consume every ounce of who I was. On March 29th 2018 I decided that it was to much to bare, and I was going to take my own life. Feeling alone at my lowest point in life somehow my attempt to take my own life failed. I thought I had it planned out perfectly, when, where, how, I even spent weeks making videos and writing letters for every occasion for my husband and kids. I couldn't see any other way out, I felt like I was drowning, little did I know that God had a bigger plan for me. At first when my attempt failed I was ashamed and even at my lowest point in life I still was concerned about how people would look at me. Would they think I was crazy? Would they think I was a terrible mom? Is she even capable of taking care of her kids when she cant even take care of herself? These ran through my mind constantly. I then began counseling unsure if it would help, I honestly didn't really want any help in the beginning. I kept those letters and videos for my kids for months after, because I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to get through my struggle. One day my counselor asked me " would you die for your kids" with out hesitation I answered YES! He then said "  then why wont you live for them?". In that very moment something began to change inside me. I began to pray and put my whole faith in God instead of myself, and that is when my healing began. Eighteen months in and I can say the depression and anxiety I had no longer controls me. I still have my days and that's ok, I am learning to be ok with where I'm at because that is where God wants me to be. It's ok not to be ok, it's ok to ask for help, it's ok to take a break, and it's ok to take care of yourself. I am proud to tell my story of how God changed me and how I am no longer ashamed of  my past. I am truly blessed